I am thankful that I am not as fat as I used to be, though that’s not to say I shouldn’t put down that donut.

I am thankful that my job doesn’t suck. Yet.

I am thankful that where I live food is good, cheap and plentiful. Or perhaps I shouldn’t be, because it’s making me fat(ter).

I am thankful for the friends that I have. Actually, scratch that.

I am thankful for Facebook. I no longer need to have actual human contact to have my existence acknowledged.

I am thankful for Coke Light. All the flavor of Coke, minus the calories.

I am thankful for the lottery. Even the smallest amount of hope is infinitely better than no hope at all.

I am thankful for flowers. They remind me I can crush pretty things whenever I feel like it.

I am thankful for holidays. They allow me to be openly unproductive instead of having to mask it.

I am thankful for fat people. They make me look good by comparison.

I am thankful for computers. It’s hard to look busy at work without them.

I am thankful for stupid people. Sometimes I get tired of making fun of fatties, mingers and social retards.

I am thankful for the iPhone. Swiss army knife of modern living.

I am thankful for opposable thumbs. It’s really hard to text without them!

I am thankful. Perhaps it’s sincere, perhaps it’s because I’m expected to be. I am thankful that at least I can pretend to be. But most of all, I am thankful that I don’t have to be thankful again for another year.